Helping Children with Shyness, by Dr. Brad Schwall

Does your child hide behind you when someone greets her or him or fear going to birthday parties?  What can you do if your child is shy?

Causes of Shyness

Normal Development

It is normal for children to go through phases in which they do not want to greet others or answer questions.  They may be asserting their independence, nervous around people they don’t know, or have not yet learned about the social habits of greeting and having conversation.

Temperament

Some children are naturally less likely to initiate social interaction.  They may take more time to assess the situation or adjust to a new setting.

Need for Skills

Children may need help in learning the skills for social interaction.

How to Help Children 

Model the Behaviors  

Show your child how to interact by greeting others and interacting with others socially in front of your child.

Practice  

Include your child in conversations taking away the pressure of taking the first step.  Give your child opportunities to greet those with whom he or she is already comfortable, such as teachers or family members.   Start with the simpler behaviors.

Prompt

Before seeing someone or entering a social situation, remind your child of what to do.  

Encourage

Affirm your child even for small improvements. 

Don’ts

Don’t Criticize or Pressure Your Child

Do not tease your child or show frustration in front of others.  Embarrassment does not encourage a child or help a child feel more comfortable being more outgoing.  Criticism and pressure make social situations even more uncomfortable and stressful.

Don’t Apologize or Make Excuses for Your Child

Don’t tell others you are sorry that your child is not saying “Hi.”  Address the situation calmly with your child later.

Don’t Label Your Child as “Shy”

Though children’s temperaments may lead them to be quieter or more reserved, it does not mean that they cannot learn how to have meaningful and fulfilling interactions with others.  Focus on the behaviors your child can learn to feel good about socializing rather than labeling him or her as “shy.”